Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
