My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
