it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
