I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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