How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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