Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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