My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
