his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon�
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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