We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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