I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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