she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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