Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
