I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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