I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
