I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
My ass is underappreciated
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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