My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
