he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
