I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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