i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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