I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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