I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
