Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Randomize
