If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
