I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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