Where did you get a picture of my penis
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
I'm really busy with my period
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