Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
