my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
he shaved USA in his pubs
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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