God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
