i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
