I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
