My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
