Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
