I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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