i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
