dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
