I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
