I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
