Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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