Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize
