I think my fart just growled at me.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
