so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If I die, sorry about rent.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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