I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
