i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
