omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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