I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
