You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
