if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
