I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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