I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
