He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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